Life is.... strange. I do my best to keep a humble perspective, to always temper my enthusiasm and insights through the lens of various "mistakes" I've made, through the "mishaps" I have incurred. Through all of this, there is still a strange sense of unreality that pervades everything.
It would seem that I have had a far greater impact on the world than I would have liked to believe. After all, nearly everything I have done has been because of a sense of detachment that stems from an underlying humor that most people don't seem capable of understanding.
Whenever I look around me, all I see is disappointment. I see people incapable of planning long term, people wrapped up in strange behaviors that can only be understood as a form of mental illness on their part. I am not an egomaniac -- far from it -- but there seems to be a perpetual "catch-up" game going on being played by everybody who isn't me.
Who are the people playing "catch-up" trying to catch up to? Me. They say things that I said years ago, they do things and interact with people I interacted with years ago, they start believing things that I tricked others into thinking I believed years ago.
This whole rigmarole is getting quite tired for me. I wish people would get their own ideas, their own goals, their own dreams. This doesn't seem to be happening, however, and as time passes, people seem content to slip further and further into my shadow. I don't know what I can do at this point, to tell the truth, because everybody else is just too slow to come up with their own ideas or form their own communities that are not influenced by me in some manner.
I guess this is the curse of greatness, to not have any peers or people ahead of you. There are things I'm doing now that won't be understood until years have passed, if they're ever understood. I am forced to continually innovate and improve myself, not because of any inferiority or insecurities, but rather boredom at the general state of other people.
Hopefully this situation changes as I get older and slow down, and in my seniority I can look on the people who come after me as equals or even superiors, but I seriously doubt this will ever occur. All around me I see people running out of steam, falling into traps, and in various stages of implosion, and there never seems to be any recoveries on their part. Life is unbearable for geniuses like myself.
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